Hello loves. If you caught my last blog post then you’ll know that I am licking my wounds from a recent break up. It fucking hurts, I’m miserable, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone. Generally, life is a bit of a struggle at present. I’m surprised I even made it to my desk.
This shall pass, like all the other break ups, and life will settle back into normality. The wounds will heal. But in the meantime, just getting through the days and retaining a semblance of living, is incredibly hard.
I wanted to share some of my pro tips for when your heart hurts, just to help make your saddest days a bit easier.

Some of the tips are just good if you struggle with depression, I speak from experience. It’s a little lengthy, but then, heartache isn’t easily cured.

Let’s start with the basics.

Get Fucken Smashed

If you don’t drink, skip on ahead, or do this minus the alcohol (replace with crisps).
Whatever has bought about the end of your relationship, whether it was amicable, messy, or a relief, you’re going to need a drink. Gather your crisis crew; best pals, close family, cats, and pour a large beverage. These nights are the best kind of therapy you can get without going to actual therapy. I would suggest hosting this particular pity party at your own home for a number of reasons; you don’t need to leave, you can stay in your PJ’s and not brush your hair, and you can fall straight into bed when you’re done. Face it, you’re a fucking mess and you look it, so take your time to savour it. Puffy eyes, stained baggy nightshirt, unbrushed teeth… you’re at rock bottom, but don’t worry, it’s all part of the plan. This is one turd that you CAN polish. Drink, cry, listen to your friends tell you you’re going to be OK. They speak the truth. Once you’ve reached the optimum number of boozes, you might even start to feel optimistic about your new found relationship status! Probably best to ignore this, you’re pissed and you don’t know what you’re talking about. Order a 2am pizza, eat one slice, and take yourself to bed. Tomorrow is a whole new day of heartache and despair.

Embrace The Hangover

The day is already a write-off, so don’t start out with big hopes of achieving anything. Hopefully you didn’t plan getting wrecked on a school night, that would have been very silly. Do the usual hangover routine; notice you didn’t bring a glass of water to bed, shuffle downstairs to observe the damage, take some painkillers. Maybe your pals will have taken out the empties and the ashtrays in your time of need, but if they haven’t then do not fear, the tidy up operation that will ensue is character building. Ignore it for now.
Grab your cold greasy pizza, make a cup of tea, go back to bed, or the sofa, or wherever you can watch shit telly, and stay there. Don’t watch anything inspiring. No cooking shows, no makeover shows, no DIY shows. You don’t need a reminder of how much you’re not getting done right now. No romantic comedies either, that’s a terrible idea. Go for a detective show, perhaps Midsomer Murders. There are no happy endings there, but the surroundings are beautiful. Another favourite of mine is Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Arguably the worst film to exist, yet simultaneously, the best.
Around 19:00 you’ll probably start to feel ready to get up and tackle life head-on. Do not do this, I can assure you, you’re not ready. I normally try to take out the trash, wash up, light some incense and maybe have a bath, mostly just for the reward of getting back into bed and feeling like I deserve it. But even if you don’t manage that, fuck it, there’s always tomorrow.
Because you’re in crisis and this is an emergency, you are permitted to order your second takeaway in two nights. I know what the inside of your fridge looks like, you haven’t been shopping. Order in. Try to get something with a vegetable in it. Things are looking up.

Wake Up! Grab A Brush And Do A Little Total Overhaul Of Your Entire Life

It might be a few days before you’re able to face reality again with everything that’s going on. You may wish to repeat the previous step for up to a week, depending on the severity of the situation. But when you can, it’s time to sort your shit out. Take a day or two to do a kind of fresh start clean and declutter. You’re going to want to take down any photos of your ex, remove anything that reminds you of them. In the early days, that will be literally everything, so proceed with caution. You don’t want to be clearing out your condiment cupboard because your ex used to love salt on their chips. Pull yourself together.
You don’t need to throw these things away, just remove them from where you’re going to keep seeing them and tearing up. While you’re at it, change their name in your phone from whatever pet name you had them saved as, you don’t need texts coming through from Baby Bear or Puddun Pie or whatever. Keep that shit formal, if you still need to talk to them at all. If you’re the one on the receiving end of the break up, you might feel inclined to contact your ex hoping they will change their mind. You won’t fix your relationship with these actions, but you will give yourself a reason to wake up at 3am cringing about it, ten years into your future. Refrain if possible.
If your break up has been… turbulent, you may consider having a fuck off big fire. It’s very therapeutic, if a little dramatic. But hey, if you’re allowed to be dramatic at any time, it’s now. Afterwards, collapse onto the chaise lounge and have someone dab at your brow.
Boil your fucking bedsheets. I bet you’ve had them on for weeks, and I bet you’re still smelling your ex’s pillow. Stop it. You deserve clean sheets, if not new ones. This is your bed now. Make it somewhere you like to be – it makes waking up alone a little easier. Buy that fucking scatter cushion, add some extra pillows, pile on the cosy blankets. I’m in love with my bedroom, and I’ve made it into somewhere I love to be. Candles, plants, a drawer full of things I don’t want my mother to read about. I fixed my TV, I invested in a box that makes music happen, I have cosy lighting, there’s a pile of books to read. On the days when I can’t make it out of bed, these things make me feel a little bit more connected, a bit more functional I guess, instead of laying in a dark and silent room, staring at the ceiling and being crushed by the weight of my terrible thoughts. Jeez, so emo.
Do a big food shop. I prefer online because, well, I can do it from bed. Having a fridge full of nice things will stop you from haemorrhaging money on takeaways. I know that feel; you should probably eat, but cooking is akin to writing the Japanese dictionary right now. So get whatever you need in order to make life easier for the next couple of weeks. If you’re someone that loves cooking, then you might want to get lost in batch cooking. If you need a load of ready meals on standby, shop for those. Basically, just fill your cupboards, and make sure there are some treats in stock too. The shock of not having someone looking after you and treating you is really hard. Counteract this by treating the fuck out of yourself. I did a posh shop today and I’m so glad that the next weeks worth of food isn’t toast and 14p instant noodles.
You probably feel a lot like you want to hide indoors at the moment, so you need to make your home somewhere safe, comfortable, and full of things you love. Most notably; carbs.
I am so much happier when my space is organised, tidy, and aesthetically pleasing. Like my bedroom, I have made my house into somewhere I love to spend time, somewhere I feel safe, and stocked up enough that I can hermit for a few days should I need to, at no given notice. Recently, I discovered a site called http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com, which I recommend if you’re having trouble getting started on cleaning, it kind of makes it into a challenge and does tend to help with motivation. They’re not paying me anything either, I just really rate the method, and the belief that we all deserve clean and comfortable surroundings.
Getting stuck into making your home feel magical will take your mind off the heartache, also you really did need to get rid of all those empty wine bottles.

Glow The Fuck Up

Remember that turd I said about polishing? It’s time.
You’ve been moping in your ex’s shirt for a week and the time has come to stop acting like a bin bag shuffling from room to room. Address the wild move you’re about to make next. For me, the next logical step was to purchase a cape made entirely of sequins. The new, single me, has decided they are only fabulous from hereon in. During my more dramatic fantasies, I have also considered constantly wearing a black veil, as if I was a grieving widow. I’ve still not ruled it out.
If you can rely on one thing from a break up, it’s your upcoming drastic change of hairstyle. It’s a rite of passage. You may decide to do this immediately, you may wait a while. Either way, it’s happening, and there’s no avoiding it.
I know that this is not the best advice to give out, but treating yourself to a little something you’ve been coveting is really good for the soul. A new outfit, or shoes, or getting your hair done, or whatever; it’s you saying you’re worthy of being looked after, and look who’s looking after you! It’s you! You’ve just graduated from self-care college, with fucken honours.
Self-care doesn’t need to cost money. I’m not going to tell you how to have a spa day at home or whatever, there’s a million posts on Pinterest about how to do that, and you should try it! But if you can afford it, don’t be scared to invest in treating yourself. It’s a fragile time, and giving yourself a gift is really sweet. If you have lost part of your mind during the uncoupling process, you may have joined the gym in a completely off-piste move. This is the ultimate commitment to sorting your shit out, so make sure you’re emotionally stable before entering into any 12 month contracts which you may later regret. You can’t ghost the gym.
Hopefully these absolutely acceptable small acts of vanity and materialism will have ignited a little hope within you. It’s called self care sweetie, look it up.
Now you have your new hairstyle/veil/cape/gym membership, it’s time to venture out of your comfort zone.

Reintegrate Into Society

I am writing this in real time, and I am now at this step myself. I’ve been hiding at home for way too long, only going out when totally necessary. I normally take a lot of pride in my appearance, but for the last few weeks, I’ve been shuffling about in baggy hoodies and shades, trying to not catch site of myself in shop window reflections.
The longer you leave going out, the harder it becomes to do it. I started off with a live comedy show last week with my friends. It was really nice to be dressed, vertical, and laughing, but without the apprehension of having to make too much conversation. The cinema would work too, or a gig, or the theatre – whatever your jam is. Since then, I’ve had my friends round for dinner (they’ve listened to non-stop misery for weeks, they deserve a treat too), I’ve been out for coffee, to a pub quiz, a sleepover, and a volunteer meeting. I’m settling back into my social circle, reminding myself that there is life outside of coupledom. I feel optimistic. I’m excited that I get to do my own thing, my plans are mine. Excitement is a really strange emotion to associate with a break up, especially if it’s one you didn’t want. I suppose for me, it’s like veering off the intended path and not really knowing where you’re heading. It’s a sad sort of adventure, but it’s an adventure all the same.
Social anxiety is a whole separate issue that I’m not even going to attempt to tackle, but when your confidence has taken a knock, it can be easy to let things spiral and start worrying that everyone hates you/you’re a failure/you’re not good enough. Nip it in the bud before it takes hold; make plans, wear something that makes you feel good, and get out of the house. Before long, these alien concepts will once again become the norm.
Remember though, you are absolutely allowed to say no to things if you’re not feeling up to it yet.

Stop Being So Bloody Selfish

OK, that may sound a little harsh. What I actually mean is, it might do you some good to do something nice for someone else, whether you’re feeling up to it or not.
If you’ve been in relationship mourning for a few weeks, it can start to become a little bit ‘me me me’, which, whilst understandable, isn’t good for you. Remember to ask your pals how they are, reach out to someone you know is having a shitty time, or help someone less fortunate than you. Make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons – putting someone else first isn’t about you, it’s not for getting social media likes or going viral. But doing something for others does produce a byproduct of fuzzy feelings whether you like it or not, so you’ll be forced to remember you’re a good and wholesome human, which will do wonders for your self-esteem. Choose a matter close to your heart and see what you can do to help.
I find that volunteering really puts things into perspective, and focusing on others needs before my own generally distracts me from my thoughts and seems to lift my depression a notch or two. I’d like to be clear that this is not the reason for my volunteering. Sticking to my commitments when I would rather be scream-crying into a pillow however, brings a sense of purpose to the darkest of days, and you’ll be proud of yourself for not being the Larry Letdown you thought you were.
Volunteering has another fortunate byproduct that is making new pals, and that’s a whole adventure in itself! Bottom line, there are no losers when it comes to offering up your time to help someone else.

Download Dating Apps, Delete Dating Apps, Re-download Dating Apps

So. You’ve cried, got pissed, thrown out your paprika, cut your hair off, bought a weird lime green jumper that makes you feel so self conscious that you’ll never wear it, joined the gym, been to the ballet, and signed up to Help The Aged. What. A. Week.
At some point you’ll feel ready to meet someone new. This may happen immediately, but if it does, I can assure you, it’s a FALSE ALARM. Making small talk with a new potential love interest when you’re freshly single is such effort. They’re going to want to know all about you, which you probably don’t have the energy for right now. Energy is a precious commodity, and needs to be saved for activities such as breathing and remaining alive. Then there’s a chance you’ll just be annoyed by them not being your ex/being too similar to your ex. By all means download the apps and browse, but please ignore that inner voice screaming about how time’s a-ticking and you don’t want to die alone, so anyone will do. No, they won’t.
When you’ve had some time alone, you may decide you enjoy the single life, and decide that’s the path for you. But if you are a hopeless romantic and you’re ready to meet someone new, then you may consider dining at the buffet of discomfort that is online dating.
“So, what brings you here?” If you’re anything like me, this question will make you want to roll your eyes into your arse and reply with something sarcastic about looking to buy a used car. Don’t. My advice on the topic of dating ends here. I’m helping you live your best single life, if I was any good at dating, this blog wouldn’t exist. But I will remind you here that you don’t need another half to make you whole. Fuck that.

Not A Builder

Look, I’m not a therapist, or a life advice coach, I’m barely a functional member of society. But break ups are something I’ve had a lot of. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when I fall, I fall hard. So what someone else may have seen as a few dates, to me felt like the stars aligning, the beginning of a new magical chapter… I’m very soppy, and it means I’ve had a lot of sad times when stuff hasn’t worked out, or I’ve been stood up, or ghosted. So I know how to drag myself up when it feels impossible. I know it’s OK for me to mourn, cry, and not be OK. I just can’t live there.
There are actually a million other things I could have added to this list; getting lost in music, art, self help books, actually going to the gym, going on holiday… You have to make your own interpretation of it. But taking care of yourself and your space, connecting with friends and talking, remembering to radiate love, even if you’re no longer on the receiving end of it – these things have helped me to create a life where starting from scratch isn’t the mammoth challenge it once posed. My foundations, although occasionally a little shaky, are mostly made from the life I want to live, and the future I imagine for myself. If I meet someone to compliment that life, lovely. If they piss off two years later, I still have my foundations. I fucking built those myself, I’ve got the blueprints to prove it. This analogy is very over-simplified, and I know things are different when there are mortgages and marriages involved, also I don’t know enough about the building trade to continue it. What I mean is, don’t let a break up throw off your entire life plan. You still have a bunch of shit to achieve and a bunch of fun to have.

I am still fairly inexperienced in the world of blogging, and I’m wondering if I’ve perhaps written my first novel here. But it’s helped me get through my break up, it’s reminded me not to stop living, and it’s inspired me to join the bastard gym. Maybe it’ll help someone else, I hope so!

Keep on keeping on, Singletons. Much love, ya gal Chip xoxoxox