Apart from my brief foray into romance last summer, I have been single for approximately 84 years. It’s alright, once you get used to it. Nope, that hasn’t convinced anyone, myself included.
It IS alright, but you have to do a lot of things to make it so.
There are a million reasons why dating is great, but when it’s just not happening for you, or when you just don’t have the energy for it, it can easily feel like you’re missing out. I really miss dating and dates. Flirting, getting dressed up, getting to know someone and finding out how much you have in common, liking someone and getting jelly snakes in your tummy when they like you back… that is some addictive shit. It’s why I keep putting myself through constant misery and failed relationships. That initial feeling is such a high, it makes the rest of life feel equally magical. There’s also the chance that this one could be ‘The One’. It’s just all such an exciting time!
BUT. What about when the dates have dried up, you can’t be arsed to flirt with anyone, or indeed, hunt down anyone to flirt with, and actually, dating just sounds like more effort than it’s worth? That’s where I am right now. I literally cannot be fucked to ask anyone how they slept, how their afternoon was, or what they’re up to tonight. Selfish? Yes, thanks for noticing.
I am sure I shall return to dating at some point, but currently I am entering this like, era of sassy fabulousness in which there is no time or space to be worrying about some dudes day at work or what he’s having for his tea. It’s genuinely refreshing.
Every time I have been in a ‘drought’, I have tried to focus more on myself; being productive, achieving shit I want to do, ticking stuff off the list. What I’ve realised is that that’s just life, dates or no dates, we still have to do those things. Flinging yourself into being busy when you’re lonely, cures absolutely nothing at all. When you finally do stop, get to the end of the list, or receive a wedding invite without having a plus one, the realisation that you’re still lonely will hit you hard and make you super sad.
This is why I think it’s important that I say the cringiest thing I’ve ever said in my life, but I mean it. Y’all, we need to get into a long term relationship with ourselves.
Thanks for reading, I’m going to set myself on fire now.
Hear me out.
Your partner texts you, they’ve had the worst day, something went wrong at work, they’re beating themselves up about things, whatever scenario you like, to that effect. Do you a) tell them not to worry, you’re going to treat them to wine and cook dinner, run them a nice bath and generally look after them, or b) tell them that they’re right to feel shitty and they should spend the night stressing out, only stopping to eat cereal because they don’t deserve successful person food? (I’m not throwing shade at cereal here, it’s just an example).
Most likely you’ve answered A. When you’re with someone, of course you want to do all the things you can to make them feel loved and looked after, especially when they’re sad. Why is it so jarring when we do it for ourselves?
This is not to be confused with self-care. We all need that too, single or not, but a facemask ain’t gonna solve these particular issues. This is all about learning to feel content in oneself, not dreading going home to an empty house, and getting through the depressive episodes where being single can really feel like this empty void of loneliness stretching into the future. It’s about being able to rely on yourself for comfort. It is often a scary and overwhelming thought, and though I’m quite good at being alone, that depression still gets me. A combination of dread and panic and free-falling into the future with nobody to hold my hand.
So, whilst it would be pleasant to know the love of a Perfect Gentleman (Wyclef Jean, 2000), it’s more important that I know the love, understanding, and compassion of a Perfect Twat (Chip, 2020). What follows is a collection of things that help me to live my best single life, and feel content enough in my own company that I don’t keep falling into that lonely depression hole (name of my sex tape).
THERAPY
I didn’t know I was going to write that until just now, but it just struck me that of course we start with therapy! I’m not going to write a lot on the subject, I’m not a therapist after all, but if you’re going to be untangling your brain enough to enjoy being alone after years of longing for romance, then therapy is as good a place as any to begin. I know it’s not cheap, and if it is then there’s a long wait, but there are online therapists, apps, downloadable workbooks, and all manner of ideas on Pinterest that can help. Basically, if you can get some therapy then do, and if you’ve already had some, then go over your notes/feedback and practice all those things you learned.
Don’t Marry Yourself, Don’t Marry A Tree, Do NOT Have Sexual Intercourse With a Car.
No matter how sexy the car is.
Look, I’m all about learning to love myself and I’m comfortable with telling you about how I enjoy being my own date, but I’m not such a narcissist that I’m going to invite my family, friends, and the local press to watch me do absolutely nothing of note in a white dress. I also haven’t given up on romance to the extent that I’m going to prank future Chip by being married to myself if I meet a lovely man one day. I mean, imagine the conversation.
Be proud of your choices and how you live your life, but know when to turn down your own marriage proposal. There are other, more empowering ways to celebrate your singledom.
Whilst on the subject of nuptials (nopetials?), marrying inanimate objects or putting your dick up an exhaust pipe are both good ways of letting the community know that you’re not coping with being single, and that maybe you should skip back to the therapy I mentioned earlier.
Holiday Home
I touched on this in my last post, but making your home somewhere you crave to spend time, is one of the best things you can do to get over the feeling of isolation on those long dateless nights, especially in the winter, when it can be a very bleak time for those of you who aren’t goths.
If you live alone and find getting back to an empty house upsetting, think about what you could do that would excite you about getting home. I had a massive declutter at the start of the year and it’s made being at home a real treat. Things like cooking, and choosing an outfit in the morning are so much easier now there isn’t a million pointless things taking up precious room! Also I have a bunch of stuff to sell, which means extra pennies to buy myself a treat. And you know I love a treat.
Living on your own doesn’t mean your house can’t be full of fun and laughter. I make sure to regularly have pals over for dinner/to drink millions of booze, and excuse me for getting all spiritual, but even when everyone has gone home, it still feels like a busy little house. It genuinely makes a difference to my homes energy.
Fill your home with things you love, file away bills and papers and things that stress you out, until you need to look at them (aka put them in the bin and then later request new copies), and in their place put candles and plants and books and cats. This is not me just telling you to tidy up. I have spent a lot of time on my own, in my home, being single and sad. Making my environment feel like a magical, cosy, holiday, made being alone in it feel like I was safe, lucky, and loved. All of a sudden, I realised that I’d made this little terraced house into a reflection of myself, and I LOVED it. Therefore… maybe I could love me, and enjoy spending time with just me? And I do! It’s not just a place to eat and sleep. It’s a place to feel safe and protected, to learn and grow in, to create in. My home makes me feel confident and recharged and reminds me on the daily of the things I like best about myself. It is very rare that I feel lonely here now.
Take your time alone to use your home as an expression of your personality. If/when you finally do meet the right person and it’s time to shack up together, you’ll really appreciate the time you had to figure out what you want and need in a home.
Ask Yourself Out On A Date. Make Sure You Say Yes.
Being happy alone at home is one thing, but have you tried doing it outside? Yikes.
One thing I love about dating, is all the fun stuff you get to go and do. Trips to the beach, meals out, popping the the pub, going bowling. A lot of the time, it doesn’t occur to people that they can do these things alone! Apart from bowling. If you’re at the stage where you’re bowling solo, you’re just trying too hard to prove that you’re alright, and nobody is buying it.
When I was a teenager, I didn’t really know anyone with the same music taste as me, but I wanted to go to a festival up North. I had been in previous years, with a fairly controlling boyfriend who would make life very difficult if I wanted to see a band he didn’t. Urgh. But this time, I went alone and experienced my very first taste of freedom, with no compromises to make. I’m glad I did it young, because it is so very hard to do now as a thirty something. I still get the hot little flush of embarrassment any time I walk in somewhere, thinking everyone is judging and pitying me for being alone. The reality is, nobody gives a shit. And if they do, then fuck them, I’m the one who was confident enough to take myself to a gig/out for coffee/to Disneyland.
Do not waste your life waiting for a date so you can go out somewhere nice. Make going out somewhere nice the reason for going out somewhere nice. It is liberating as fuck.
Table For One
Here’s a challenge we can do together. I never make enough effort when it comes to feeding myself. If I’m cooking for a date, or for my pals, I’m all of a sudden a Cordon Bleu chef. If it’s just me, then I can become overwhelmed with what to cook, and then not want to even bother. This leads to many awkward interactions with the Deliveroo guy each week. I’ve taken to answering the door to my takeaway delivery person by shouting over my shoulder “IT’S OK, I’LL GET IT!” to an empty house, just so they don’t think I’m a pathetic, pyjama wearing, slobette.
It’s another exercise in self worth. If a meal I fancy needs lots of ingredients, pots and pans, and effort, then I just tend to think, meh, I’m not worth the bother. But I AM! We all are! So, over the last week or so, I’ve been cooking as if I was cooking for someone special. I am – it’s me, but you know what I mean. I’ve even made a dedicated Instagram page so I can share my creations and get that serotonin hit from someone telling me dinner looks good. (Shameless plug; it’s kitchen_vvitch_vegan_bitch, if you want to see me eating like a queen). Light a candle, pour a glass of wine, get a podcast on, and sit at your dining table. It’s almost like a dinner party, every night!
Relationship Ahead Closed For Scheduled Maintenance.
As with all relationships, it will take hard work and loyalty to keep this a happy one. Just because your house is nice and you’ve made a risotto, doesn’t mean you can stay home alone all the time.
If you did that with a partner then it’d wear thin pretty soon. It’s no different here – you can’t live in your own head, and staying home to wank is not a hobby.
It’s important to enrich your single life with other types of relationships. We are human, and it’s 2020. We need validation and love and not to just get pissed alone. My friends are the reason I am able to cope with life as a terminal single gal, and it’s not a stretch to say that I’ve gotten more from my friendships than I ever have a romantic relationship. I realise that I am blessed with an excellent circle of friends, and the freedom in which to socialise with them. We’re not all in the same boat though, and most peoples boats look better than our own a lot of the time. It might be time to get a bigger boat.
If your circle is small, or non-existent, then it will pay to take steps to broaden it. Something that has helped me massively is to attend my local girl gang meet ups here in Norwich (Fierce Babes Network), where I’ve met loads of excellent humans that I was once daunted by from afar! Volunteering is another way in which I’ve made great pals; passion for a cause is an excellent foundation for a friendship. Many years ago I joined a Bar Billiards team, which sees me spending time with a very unlikely bunch of people most Wednesday nights from March-November each year – now they are like my family. And of course, there’s always the pub. We’ll always have the pub. Sometimes I pop to my local on my own, and you never know who you’ll strike up a conversation with.
Making time for the relationships you already have in your life is key – whether you’re single or not. Sure it can feel a little odd inviting a couple over for dinner when you’re on your own, but again, waiting to have a partner to feel able to do these things, only means you’re missing out. Host your dinner party, be the fabulous spinster at the head of the table, drink too much wine, burn your soufflé, stay mysterious.
I think one of the things I miss most about being in a relationship is reporting my day to someone, and chatting about it over a drink or whatever. That is when the lonelies really get me. Chatting with a close pal is a good alternative, but I’m sure my best friend doesn’t want to know every time I achieved some small feat such as a load of laundry or a bowl of washing up. You know who does want to know? My journal! OMG, so today Brad told me he wants to take me to the Valentines Dance…
OK so my journal isn’t sat there when I get home, pouring me a drink and waiting for me to spill the tea, but I can prattle on about the most mundane bullshit for seven paragraphs and not once does it roll its eyes. Offloading all my drama-that-isn’t-actually-drama at the end of the day has become part of the singledom routine and I am so glad I’ve started doing it again! It’s quite self-affirming to read back through the days activities and realise that I’ve managed to get a lot done. Having a moment to get my thoughts in order before I write makes my head less of a jumble and usually helps me to sleep better, starfished across my bed with not a care in the world. It is the epitome of having a fucken word with yourself. I use an app called Dailyo (I am not sponsored by them or anything, just sharing my top tip) on my tablet, where I don’t use any social media or work related apps, and so don’t get interrupted by notifications. It’s password protected and backs all your entries up, as well as giving you sweet awards for sticking to your goals and writing each day. I very much recommend keeping a journal, in whichever format you prefer, if only so you can read it in twenty years and think ‘Christ, what a prick.’
Some other little things I do to cheer my single self on are to;
*Buy myself flowers
*Make an effort with my appearance because it makes me feel good
*Make no effort with my appearance because I don’t feel like it today
*Absolutely remain invested in my passions, no matter who in the past may have told me they are silly endeavours
*Work hard to impress myself and nobody else
*Never tone myself down because I was told I was ‘too much’ in the past. In fact, TONE UP!
*Fill my days with music and art and others’ creativity, and take inspiration from it all
*Never, ever give up on being a soppy, silly hearted romantic – if not for me then for everyone else
*Row with the cat as if she was my life partner
Good, solid rules to live by, I’m sure you’ll agree.
These are the things that honestly help me get through some of the darkest, loneliest days, the days I spend questioning why I’m ‘not good enough’ to be loved. I know I’m not alone in that bleakest of mental torture, and that is why I wanted to tell you about how I get by. It can get better, and you can have a happy, fulfilling, wonderful life as a single person. You are good enough. You’re fucken right good, you are!
Stay strong, Singletons! Love Chip xoxoxoxoxox
My Chemical Romances 